In this episode, Debra Kasowski, coach and host of The Millionaire Woman Show, shares the importance of having the right mindset and dealing with the inner critic self-doubt and difficult situations, so you can have the success you want!
The Millionaire Woman Show
Contact Debra at: https://debrakasowski.com
Books Open Doors Facebook Group
3 Key Points
If a dream has come to you it’s meant for you to fulfill.
Look at every call as a case study because you can learn from it.
What we tell ourselves affects how likely we are to take action; if we have good thoughts we are more likely to take action, but with negative thoughts, we are less likely to take action.
Hi and welcome, I’m your host Ellen Violette and you’re listening to Episode 107 of the Books Open Doors Podcast. Today my guest is Debra Kasowski and we’re going to be talking about the importance of having the right mindset and dealing with the inner critic self-doubt and difficult situations, so you can have the success you want!
Music: Welcome to the Books Open Doors Podcast. Are you a mission-driven speaker, coach, consultant, thought leader, creative entrepreneur, or author who wants more credibility, financial abundance, and wants to make a bigger impact in the world and leave a lasting legacy, and who wants to have fun doing it? Then stay tuned for today’s inspiring podcast with your host, Ellen Violette.
Okay, we’re back. Before I tell you about Debra, today’s episode is brought to you by ShipYourBooks.com If your book is a lead magnet for higher-end service such as coaching, you’ll want to get your buyers onto your email list. But KDP doesn’t give you their names. But ShipYourBooks.com does.
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Now about Debra…she is the charismatic host of the thought-provoking podcast, Millionaire Woman Show with high-profile guests like Bob Berg, Jill Lublin, Bo Eason, Mark Victor Hansen, his wife Crystal and others.She’s an award-winning three times best-selling author and a two-time TEDx speaker, past contributor to Forbes Coaches Council, and certified executive coach and is focused on helping aspiring executives, professionals, and entrepreneurs to develop winning success habits that transform human potential into sustainable profits. So, let’s listen in:
Ellen: Welcome to the call, Debra.
Debra: Thank you so much for having me, Ellen. It’s a pleasure to be here.
[2:22] Ellen: Well, I was on your show and we got to know each other a little bit and I just love the way that you present yourself. I love the way you come across. I love everything that you’re doing and why don’t we just jump right into this? So why don’t you tell people a little bit more about you, how you became who you are today?
[2:44] Debra: Well, it’s pretty much all accidental. I was sitting at a conference and listening to a real-estate panelist speaking and there was this one person who was talking about online marketing and how you could share knowledge and education and motivate people. And I was like, “I could do that.” And it was interesting because afterward I had gone to the back and I had developed a relationship with this person over the years of watching him present.
And then one day, I was standing there and he said, “Quit over-analyzing, Deb. I’m just going to become your mentor. You have such a drive within you”. And so, for our first call, he’s like, “So, what do you want to do?” And I said “I don’t know, write a book?” And I had never dreamed of writing a book. And it was fascinating because then he’s like, “Well, you can just start off.” I said, “How do you even start?” And he’s, “Well, why don’t you start off by interviewing people on a topic you’re interested in?” And at that time, I chose the Millionaire Woman’s Secrets. And I had interviewed, I think it was nine, twelve people and the product itself was, I think seven if I recall. And I learned to-
Ellen: What do you mean seven? Seven got in, you mean in the book?
[4:05] Debra: Yeah. Yeah. And then he had invited me to his seminar that he was having in Vancouver. And you got to put this in perspective, three kids. I think the youngest was maybe one or two, well, maybe two or three maybe at the time, and maybe seven. I don’t know. But anyhow, I had flown to Vancouver, it was my first trip flying on my own, being away from my family, and I was like, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Had tears that night because I was like, “What am I doing?” And that’s where everything ignited from.
I went on stage, shared my story about just jumping in and moving into action and not overanalyzing everything because that was my tendency. Because I have discovered over the years that I have what they call as a “Renaissance Mindset”. I have whole brain thinking so I could think with logic, but I also think intuitively. So, it’s been a very interesting journey to learn more about this whole brain thinking, and not everybody is like that. Some people tend to be more logical, some more intuitive, some have a growth mindset, some have a fixed mindset.
Ellen: Right. But that’s probably why we hit it off so well because I have that too.
[5:22] Debra: Yeah. And it’s fascinating. And then I had never realized I just loved mind mapping. So, in this process, I actually went to sell my product and one of the first people who brought my product asked if we could get together for coffee. The next thing I knew it led to, “Why don’t we write a book together?” And we published a book together, and then I wrote one on my own and then this third one on my own. And I was just like, “Wow, how are these pieces all lining up?” It was like connecting the dots.
And here I am several years later and been able to do a couple TEDx. And the biggest thing for me is helping people realize that they have gifts to share and often our mindset gets us out-in our own way. It’s that inner critic who speaks louder than that trust in self. That self-doubt creeps in and says, “Hey, you know what? I don’t know if you can do this.” And at the same time, if you didn’t overanalyze it and you silence that voice, you would realize how much more you could accomplish.
[6:28] Ellen: True. I want to go back to what you said about when you got to Vancouver and you were in your room and you were crying. What was that about?
Debra: Well, it was the first time I had been away from my kids for any length of time. So, it was a three-day weekend and I knew I needed it and I deserved it and I was in a place of growth. I just had tears and I couldn’t believe, like I was in shock that I was actually following through on this big dream. Suddenly, it turned into this big dream when I made that commitment to say, “I could do this.” And it was like, “It’s happening, how am I getting here?” I never had thought of being about an author before. I never thought of ever developing a product.
Debra: And it’s interesting because if you were to ask anybody ten, fifteen years ago, would you think that there were careers in gaming? There’s all these new careers and dreams and everything that are still to come that we don’t even realize that there’s going to be a need for and their books have been around for years and I still, no matter how digital it becomes, I still like to hold and smell a book.
[7:44] Ellen: Yeah. So, do I and I think it has to do with age. I think the younger people have been brought up in a different world and don’t quite feel the way we do. But as long as we’re still around, there’s going to be books.
Debra: Yeah. Absolutely. But it was a shift and it wasn’t as sad tears. It was happy tears.
Ellen: Okay. Because I wasn’t sure. The way you said at first, I wasn’t sure.
Debra: No. It was like, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this. I am so excited for myself,” and I was also in awe of myself.
Debra: Because I had stepped so far out of the comfort zone that I had known.
[8:23] Ellen: Mm-hmm (affirmative). But you see talking about mindset, your mind said, “I could do this.” See, I remember when I first got online the same thing happened to me was that, well, I just needed to make a living. It’s a long story that we won’t go into on this podcast because I’ve told it a lot of times. But I got into doing copy for people because that’s what I knew how to do, and I needed to make money.
And then I had always wanted to write books so I started writing my first book and what happened was I reached a point where I said, “I could do this better than what was out there.” And then that became my motivation. But the point was in both of our cases, there was a point at which you said, “I could do this.” Okay. So, do you-
Debra: When you see that it’s like you’re putting a stake in the ground and you’re owning it. “I can do this. I commit to this. I’m going to make it happen.”
Ellen: So, what if somebody wants to do something, but they’re feeling like, “I don’t know if I can do this” or “I can’t do this.” Is there a way to get them from there to, “I can do this?”
Debra: It’s very interesting because I won’t tell you I’m without self-doubt because it does come up.
Ellen: Yeah. Everybody has some.
[9:36] Debra: It does want to sabotage. But if you have a dream or an idea that comes to you, I want you to take a look around you and notice that not everybody gets the same idea. Not everybody has that same opportunity that comes to them that says, “Hey.” Chances are when you share it to somebody, they’re going to jump and say, “Hey, I’m going to do it. If you’re not going to do it, I’m going to do it.” Not likely.
So, if that dream has come to you, it’s meant for you to fulfill. But if you decide that you’re not going to fulfill it or you hem and haw too long, guess what? You’re going to look over and you’re going to notice that someone else is doing it and that you could have done it, but you didn’t have the courage. The courage, the commitment, the consistency that goes with it or most of all the belief in yourself.
And when we… Someone had shared with me, a mentor of mine, she said, “Deb, doubt can block your perception. It can block your perception of what you see about yourself.” And just recently I had a coaching session with a gentleman named Jazz Rasool and it was fascinating because I had never looked at it this way. So, every conversation that I have as a coach, a speaker, with you today, with your audience, every conversation he said, “Treat as a case study.”
[11:01] You’re looking at it, it’s your evidence of who you are and what you bring to the world. And it’s interesting because in the same framework I use it with my clients. I use it when I’m helping people grow or prepare for an interview. It’s also about being evidence not only to others, but it’s evidence to yourself of your value and your worth and trusting in your capabilities because of the feedback that you get.
And when he brought that to my attention and thinking of everything as a case study, I’m like, “Whoa, you got me. You got me right there.” Because when we look at case studies, we have a learning opportunity. We shift our thinking to say, “Okay, what did I learn from this situation? What did I offer? What was valuable?” And when I work with clients, it’s about celebrating the wins because often we don’t stop long enough. We’re already onto our next project or the next idea that we don’t stop and say, “Wow, look what I did.”
When are you going to stand in awe of yourself? And when I was in Vancouver, that awe of myself, it’s not narcissistic and it’s not in a braggy way, but it’s actually to recognize the gifts, the talents, the strengths, the abilities that you come with that are so unique to you. That’s what makes it possible.
[12:24] Ellen: Absolutely. That’s true. Yeah. There’s a woman who follows me and I follow her, her name is Pearlette. And one of the things that she has… She does productivity. One of the things that she has people do is keep track of your wins throughout the year and then on New Year’s Eve, open them all up and see what you did. And I think that’s a really great thing to do because I think what happens is throughout the year there’s ups, there’s downs and you think, “Oh, I didn’t accomplish that much.” And then you take it out and you start looking at it you go, “Wow.”
Because we don’t tend to give ourselves enough credit and keep track of the wins. The other thing I would say that I do now, which I learned from Ken Krell is at the end of each coaching session with clients I’ll ask, “What was your biggest takeaway from today?” And that’s huge too, because it really tells me that they’re getting something out of it, number one, right? And number two, what it is they’re getting out of it so that you take those things and use those in your marketing too. Because if people are really excited about that, then there’s something there as well.
[13:38] Debra: And then you can approach each conversation more intentionally, not thinking that you have to have an end game saying, “If I need that affirmation, I need that validation from the person,” that’s not what I’m referring to. But it’s nice, everybody wants approval, right?
Everyone wants to know that they’re doing good job and they’re appreciated and they’re valued. What’s most important to me in a coaching session or presenting is that they took value away for their own lives, for their own goals and dreams. And that they are actually moving into implementation or action that sparked some motivation within them. To me that’s the greatest validation is watching someone take your tools and put them into practice.
[14:26] Ellen: So, let me ask you another question. So, how does mindset connect to emotional intelligence or does it?
Debra: They’re interconnected. So, emotional intelligence is often referred to as soft skills. They’re one of the hardest skills to master, right? It’s about recognizing not only your own emotions, also recognizing if you react or respond to situations, but it also is about how you recognize how others respond to you and the environment around you. So, emotional intelligence is kind of like I like to refer to it as kind of surveillance. You’re doing a self-check. You’re doing the person opposed to you kind of check, the others, and then your world around you.
Debra: So, there’s three different components to how emotional intelligence shows up. Have you ever been talking to someone or about to talk to someone and they came from a heated conversation with someone and right away, it’s kind of directed at you and you’re like, “Whoa, this has nothing to do with us.” Obviously, the environment that they were in prior to coming to me or you or anyone listening, is that all of a sudden, their environment impacted them. And then without realizing they went into a reactive mode.
So, there’s that small part of our brain called amygdala; often people will refer to them amygdala hijack. When your rational thought goes out the window, right? It’s really about being able to find that state of peace, that calmness within to be able to shift and navigate. So, when our mindset, when we get caught in that inner critic telling us that we’re unworthy not deserving, or you can outshine someone and you have this going on, your emotional intelligence is stressed because your brain is suddenly on surveillance. It wants to keep you safe.
[16:30] So, there’s one thing about seeing safety, but it’s asking yourself in that moment, take a deep breath, because the deep breath will interrupt your thought cycle and what’s going on in the brain to recalibrate and then what you can do is say, “Okay, am I really in danger?” Because you’re usually not, but your brain automatically wants to protect you. But when you can go into the place of inquiry that inquiry slows things down in the brain, it’s not feeling hijacked, it’s not ready to rush and your blood flow to all these different parts of your body to protect you.
But it’s to really say, “Hey, let’s just pause a moment. Am I really in danger? Do I really need to hijack this situation? Or can I take this deep breath and take a step back and look at the whole picture before I dive into what I need to do next.”
And that’s where we come from. We have the responsibility, which is the ability to respond to a situation versus react. And when it comes to mindset that’s everything. When you have a new goal or dream and you have habits you want to put into place, we want to default to our comfort zone and we need to stay consistent and disciplined to stay in the zone of learning, just beyond the comfort zone. That’s where we have the greatest adrenaline, the greatest motivation, because we’re being challenged to be so much more.
[18:06] Ellen: Yeah. That whole thing about fear is interesting. I’m actually reading a book called Mastering Fear: A Navy SEAL’s Guide. And he writes it from the perspective of as a Navy S eal all the situations that you get in, where there is real danger and how you respond can be the difference between whether you survive or not. And then he takes it over and says, “You can use this in the business world as well.” And but what he’s talking about is the opposite of what you just said, which is using that adrenaline. Instead of bringing yourself down, letting it propel you forward.
Debra: And it can be used as fuel, most definitely. But that way you’re able to direct it with intention to where you want it to go. So, you have that-
Ellen: Right. That’s exactly what he’s saying. Right. Exactly.
Debra: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
[19:00] Ellen: Yeah. Okay. So, what else should I be asking you about this, about mindset and emotional intelligence? What else do you want to share with us?
Debra: One of the things that I would say that’s really important for people to understand when it comes to emotional intelligence, there’s this part when we do assessments because I’m certified to do assessments in emotional intelligence to see where you’re at, seeing where life can derail you, where you stay on track, where your blind spots are.
But one of the things that really stands out for me is that self- regard. How do you see yourself? Often, that inner critic and we are very harsh with ourselves and the work of Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote The Four Agreements really is a profound book that has shifted the way I think when it comes with emotional intelligence as well.
How we see ourselves is so important in the mindset, but it affects how we think about ourselves, share how we feel about ourselves, and the actions we’re willing to take. So, if you’re feeling great about yourself, you’re thinking good thoughts about yourself and your talents and your abilities you are more likely to take action and get the results that you want.
Now, if you’re telling yourself again, “I’m unworthy, I’m not enough, I’m not deserving. I don’t want to outshine anybody.” Then you’re going to pull back. You might go into being shy, withdrawn. And how likely are you to take action? Not likely because you already talked yourself out of it and then you don’t get the results that you want.
So self-regard and seeing how you see yourself is a really important piece. The other piece that I really like to share with people is self-expression. Are you able to articulate and express yourself fully? Because when people are challenged or they receive feedback, whether it be constructive or not constructive, they tend to go into a place of withdrawal or overanalyzing or letting feedback define them versus discerning it to say, “Who’s the source? Is this valuable? Is it going to make me better? Or is it someone who’s just having an off day and shut off a comment.” Right?
[21:17] So, to be able to fully express and articulate yourself as to who you are, what you stand for, what your values are, those are really important pieces of emotional intelligence. To be able to be creative, to be able to express yourself, to be able to work together with others and be able to communicate clearly, you are able to do that and your mindset will see possibilities and opportunities versus the threats that often when people go into a business environment, they’ll use a SWOT analysis. Whereas the work that I do, we don’t look at the weaknesses. We don’t look at the threats. We know that they’re there, but our focus isn’t there.
Our focus is on what we call SOAR, strengths, opportunity, aspirations and results. If you start looking at who you aspire to be, seeing the opportunities, capitalizing on your strengths and really focus on your results, that’s what you’re going to get. You get what you focus on, and where your intention goes is where your attention will go as well.
Ellen: And then where the energy that you put out comes back too.
[22:28] Ellen: It’s so interesting. I mean, I notice when I get in a bad place, all of a sudden there’s just no energy. And it’s like I never get new clients when I’m in that space.
Debra: Yeah. And then what happens with that, Ellen, is our energy and again, this is a recent learning as well from my friend, Jazz is that our energy can be tied in the past. We have energy in our past with anywhere where we regret things or we replay memories over and over wish that they would’ve gone better. So, we have regret in the past and if we could be living in the past, often people get stuck there. And when we look at the past, I’d rather look back with fun memories, but not it defines my present because I have energy in the present.
And then I have energy in my future. And if I have all these projects or all these investments and everything put in my future, I’m taking away from my present energy. So, one of the things I want to pay attention to is am I carrying any baggage in the past that’s holding me back in my mind that I can release some of that energy and put it here to my present so I can have more energy to focus on what it is I truly want right now and here?
[23:42] Ellen: Well, speaking about what you truly want, I mean, for a long time, that was an issue for me was I didn’t know what I wanted.
Debra: Yeah. Clarity is key.
Ellen: Yeah. You definitely have to know what you want. And I know for me when I started, I learned a business model and it worked really well. And what I didn’t understand though, and it’s so funny because I just came across a Facebook ad yesterday that was talking about this which is “product launches are great for starting your business, but they’re terrible for sustaining your business”. Well, I didn’t know that and so I did them for a very long time. I mean, up until this year I was doing them and I did my signature program thirty-two times, and then I’m wondering why I was exhausted.
[24:31] Debra: Yeah. And here’s the thing, Ellen. When we get caught up, when people say, “Well, I’m not clear.” Sit with it. Figure out where the emotions are coming from. What are you telling yourself about what’s possible, about your capability? Because everything you need is within you and it’s a matter of being resourceful and challenging yourself to take action. So, I tell people, “If you’re not a 100% clear, let’s chat, let’s get some clarity.”
Ellen: But I also think learning-
Debra: Until you’re 100% clear you can move into action.
Ellen: Yeah. But I think learning is important too. It’s like when you don’t know what you don’t know, you can… Sometimes like what I was saying, I just kept doing what I knew how to do, and I was looking around to try to figure out something else, but it really didn’t click until it did. Right? But what-
Debra: And you’re ready and receptive to receive it.
Ellen: Well, I was ready, but it wasn’t coming in. But the point of it that I’m trying to make is that what people have said to me is that what I had was persistence. I never gave up. It’s like I kept saying to myself, “There has to be a way, there has to be a way. I’m just going to keep going. I’m just going to keep trying.”
And sometimes it just felt like I was hitting my head against the wall, but I still kept going. Until something else came along to replace it, because it wasn’t like I wasn’t making money I just wasn’t happy. And I knew it wasn’t getting me to my ultimate goals or my ultimate lifestyle. But it was keeping me going.
[26:02] Debra: And it kept you comfortable too, right? Because when we are in a growing phase and learning phase we’re not in our comfort zone. And there’s times that we sit in our comfort because it’s working, but could it be better? Could it be more of what we dream of what’s possible? And if you ever have this inkling in you that there could be more for you, chances are you’re right.
Ellen: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It’s interesting though the whole comfort thing. I mean product launches after a while are not comfortable. But again, it’s like, if you don’t have something yet to replace it with doing it is better than doing nothing in my opinion.
[26:47] Debra: But then one of the things is, is how do you set it up so it could run without you while you’re spending your energy and time building something new?
Ellen: I agree. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. Yeah. This is changing the business model. But yeah, I just want to encourage people because I mean sometimes what happens on the Internet is it can just get so overwhelming and so confusing and then you have people saying, “Oh, well don’t do this because it doesn’t work. Don’t do that because it doesn’t work.” And the truth is, is most of them do work for some people. It’s really, I think finding about when you’re talking about clarity what works for you.
[27:26] Debra: Yeah. And that’s absolutely it. I remember when blogging first became a thing, I was all over it, writing blogs and one of my friends was just like, “I just talked to an expert and he said, ‘blogging is not going anywhere.” Well, I’m like, “I don’t…” That didn’t make any sense to me. So, I continued blogging. Next thing I knew she started writing blogs. It’s like, “Yeah. Do you remember telling me?” I didn’t even go there. It’s not an, I told you so.
It’s for someone to learn at their own space because everybody is running their own race at their own pace. And it’s not even a race per se, but to remind people that each person’s journey is different, and they need to be receptive to the lessons and the messages that come to them, and those connect the dots that we talked about earlier to get them to the right spot on their path.
[28:19] Ellen: Absolutely. So, do you have any final tips, final thoughts that you’d like to share before we say goodbye?
Debra: Sure. When you face challenges and you move through these challenges, roadblocks, whatever you want to see. I like to see them as opportunities. But if you keep working on one at a time and moving through and moving through and moving through, the next thing you know is when you look behind you there is a path that formed. These were all stepping stones on your path defining where you are.
Ellen: Yes. And I wanted to say this earlier and then I lost my train of thought and then I got frustrated. But yeah, somebody was talking about that on Twitter. How sometimes you can’t see the dots are going to all connect, but eventually they do.
Debra: Yes. And then you have the picture and you’ll be like, “How come I didn’t see it before?” And you’ll think it’s kind of like Wheel of Fortune, right? You’re guessing the letters. And then you want to get the phrase, you want to get the answer, but until you have a few more dots it doesn’t form the picture that you’re looking for.
[29:25] Ellen: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. Sometimes you just have to follow your intuition and trust the process and not know where it’s going until you know where it’s going.
Debra: Yeah. You put in the effort, you trust the process, but detach from your outcome.
Ellen: Yeah. I mean, think about this. Think about this. I was a copy editor for magazines in 1979. I mean there’s no way in hell I could have ever known that by 2004, I would be editing books.
Debra: Do you know where it’s taking you?
Ellen: Yeah. I mean, that’s what I’m saying is like the dots are all there but you just never know until you know. Yeah.
Debra: You just got to be willing to put skin in the game, take a chance on yourself, be brave and know that everyone is there doing it scared along with you.
Ellen: Yeah. And be willing to invest in yourself, which can be really scary, especially when you don’t have the money and that’s when you need it the most, right?
Debra: Yes. Yeah.
[30:24] Ellen: Yeah. Okay. So, this is awesome. So how can people reach you?
Debra: Well, you can go over to my website at www.debrakasowski.com. You can follow me on social media platforms. I have a YouTube channel that you can subscribe to. I’m on Apple podcast, Spotify or your favorite podcast player with The Millionaire Woman Show where we talk about life leadership and business. And of course, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. I am on all of those and LinkedIn. You can reach me there at Debra Kasowski on all channels.
Ellen: I thought we had a free giveaway too. Yeah.
Debra: Yes. When you go over to my website, I have a three-part video course right now on making habits stick. That’s going to walk you through building some focus and consistency in your goals and dreams so that you can knock them out of the park and make them a reality. Now, it talks about derailers. It talks about a number of things. It’s going to be your playbook to move you through to creating success in those habits that you have.
Ellen: Awesome. So, everybody be sure to go over to debrakasowski.com and grab that. That’s D-E-B-R-A K-A-S as in Sam, O-W-S-K-I. Debra K-A-S as in Sam, O-W-S as in Sam, K-I.com. Well thank you so much for coming on.
Debra: Thank you, Ellen. This has been so much fun and I can talk mindset any day of the week.
Ellen: Well that’s it for today. To get the transcript, go to https://booksopendoors.com/podcast/mindset4success Or, go to https;//booksopendoors.com/podcast and look for Episode 107.
Also, as I mentioned we are changing our business model from Write Your Bestseller in 7 Days BootCamp to the 3 Day Bestseller Program and we will be opening it up very soon. There will be an early-bird discount.If you’re interested in getting on the wait list, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org Subject line: “List”
Ellen: And if you want to write your own book faster or easier be sure to pick up the rock star author’s toolkit if you have not already or if you’re new to the podcast. It’s got three checklists, one for writing your book, doing your titles and the 21 simple strategies to jumpstart your book marketing online and the Kindle planner. So that’s that.
Okay. Till next time. Bye-bye.
Music: You’ve been listening to the Books Open Doors podcast, with your host, Ellen Violette. If you’d like to connect with other mission-driven speakers, coaches, consultants, thought leaders,founders, creative entrepreneurs, and authors who are changing the world one book at a time, join us in the Books Open Doors community at facebook.com/groups/booksopendoors. Let’s rock your business with books.
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